Sunday, 25 March 2012

What if the hokey kokey is what it’s all about?

I finished a draft of my dissertation two days ago … Ahr Yehrr … So I’ve done nothing the last two days … So today, this happened.

If the hokey kokey is what it’s all about then getting places would take a lot longer. We’d have to put our left leg in, our left leg out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about, do the hokey kokey, and turn around… before proceeding to do the exact same with our right leg and then alternate until we reached our destination. This would probably mean leaving at least two hours before you needed to be anywhere.
Also, a great deal more people would suffer from confusion as a result of the constant ‘turning around’. The effects of this prolonged dizziness would probably work in the same way as alcohol, leaving the ‘turner’ with beer goggles. Because everyone would be victim to CBGS (Continuous Beer Goggle Syndrome) pregnancy rates would rise quite significantly, causing the over population problems already prevalent in the world to be of much greater importance. However, another side effect of CBGS would be a decrease in divorce rates, because there would be no sobering realisation of what it is that your beer goggles allowed you to marry and procreate with. 
In addition, the average person would most probably be significantly better at singing through constant repetition of the scales, (8) Woooooooaoh the hokey kokey, Wooooooooaoh the hokey kokey (8) etc. This persistence with the vocal chords would surely have a favourable effect upon the hokey kokey-er. 

But alas; the stable left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot walking pattern of mankind, the rising divorce rates, and the inability of the general public to sing (as proved most weekends by *Simon Cowell’s determination to make more money) is proof that the hokey kokey is probably not what it is all about. 

*I sort of take this back, not the singing thing (as a whole we're shocking) but the dig at Simon Cowell, he seemed really nice on Jonathan Ross.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Catch the pigeon!

Tomorrow I am running 13 miles dressed as Muttley. I am running with Dick Dastardly.

I am excited for this, but here’s five things I’d be more excited about…   
Repainting every ceiling in Bermuda using only a Tipp-Ex. Bermuda’s small enough that I don’t think this’d be too strenuous, also I hear the weather there’s lovely this time of year*
Swimming through a swamp. It would be a great workout for the arms, boost the old immune system and there might be a chance encounter with some sort of swamp monster
Having my hair cut. I just really need a hair cut … practicality.
Taking a long weekend on Pluto. Pluto was my favourite of all the planets, now it is my favourite of all the dwarf planets
... CHRISTMAS!! I really, really, really, really like Christmas though obviously not as much as that weird man who celebrates it every day, Jee

Exciting as these alternates are, if I were doing one of these tomorrow there’d be no hope of catching that freaking pigeon.

*This is a lie, I’ve never spoken to anyone about a pleasant time to visit Bermuda.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

I forgot the mushroom and my passport

It took me a couple of minutes this morning after my alarm going off to realise that in my head I was repeating the sentence “I forgot the mushroom and my passport”. I then questioned what the hell I was dreaming about. These are my three favourite scenarios...

Dream 1
Clearly I am Super Mario.

Dream 2
I have taken to the recreational use of mild hallucinogenics. I have gone to Amsterdam to stock up on said hallucinogenics and whilst at the airport in Amsterdam waiting for my flight home I have realised that I have forgotten the mushroom and my passport. Drat.

Dream 3
I have acquired a time machine. My passport is not to travel across country but across time and I wanted the mushroom to take back to the past with me either to the time of the dinosaur in order to prevent them from extinction (because I’ve heard they may have died of starvation…). If this was my destination we’d probably still have dinosaurs. Alternatively I would take the mushroom back to the start of the first war and suggest the enemies just throw mushrooms at one another. If this was my destination war probably wouldn’t exist today because throwing mushrooms would look ridiculous and get them nowhere.

… I really don’t have a clue what I was dreaming about, but I’m grateful I don’t analyse my dreams.

Friday, 2 March 2012

What would happen if there were no moon

I'm avoiding my dissertation but I have nothing to write about so I googled the best question ever and the Times Online told me it was 'What would happen if there were no moon?' ... For the record I think they're wrong, but here goes...

If there were no moon there would be one less aisle in supermarkets because there would be no cheese. 
Many people think that cheese is a dairy product like milk and ice cream, and that it comes from cows. Many people are wrong. This is in fact a myth which one of the first cows (Roger the great) made up in order to make the species more amicable to man. The common cow is in fact an advanced form of the devil who cleverly orbits the planet in herds, creating what is normally referred to as the ozone layer. The reason for the hole in the ozone layer which was discovered by science not so long ago is in part to do with the greenhouse gasses (which, not surprisingly, cows create through their excess release of methane). More prominently however, the hole in the ozone layer is the gap left in this 'ozone of cows' when a small group have to visit the moon in order to bring back a variety of cheese (nothing too spectacular .. some Brie, Cheddar, occasionally Stilton depending on the season). The human race tends to mock the notion that the moon is made of cheese, because the scheming cows have perfected their collection and distribution of cheese so well over the past two millenia that they have come to be accepted as nothing more than a cheese-creating animal which lives in fields and eats grass. This is clearly not the case however, as one only has to cast their mind back to the 'nursery rhyme' in which the cow jumped over the moon... Nice cover up cows, but we're onto you!
 In conclusion, if there were no moon, there would be no cheese and the truth about the cow species would be out of the bag! So the reason that there will always be a moon is that without it, cows would have to admit to the human race that they are nothing more than scheming, moon-theiving scandals. 

If this scholarly article has not yet persuaded you into recognising the deceitful nature of the common field cow, consider for a moment the idea that a cow has four chambers in its one stomach ...