What would happen if there were no moon

I'm avoiding my dissertation but I have nothing to write about so I googled the best question ever and the Times Online told me it was 'What would happen if there were no moon?' ... For the record I think they're wrong, but here goes...

If there were no moon there would be one less aisle in supermarkets because there would be no cheese. 
Many people think that cheese is a dairy product like milk and ice cream, and that it comes from cows. Many people are wrong. This is in fact a myth which one of the first cows (Roger the great) made up in order to make the species more amicable to man. The common cow is in fact an advanced form of the devil who cleverly orbits the planet in herds, creating what is normally referred to as the ozone layer. The reason for the hole in the ozone layer which was discovered by science not so long ago is in part to do with the greenhouse gasses (which, not surprisingly, cows create through their excess release of methane). More prominently however, the hole in the ozone layer is the gap left in this 'ozone of cows' when a small group have to visit the moon in order to bring back a variety of cheese (nothing too spectacular .. some Brie, Cheddar, occasionally Stilton depending on the season). The human race tends to mock the notion that the moon is made of cheese, because the scheming cows have perfected their collection and distribution of cheese so well over the past two millenia that they have come to be accepted as nothing more than a cheese-creating animal which lives in fields and eats grass. This is clearly not the case however, as one only has to cast their mind back to the 'nursery rhyme' in which the cow jumped over the moon... Nice cover up cows, but we're onto you!
 In conclusion, if there were no moon, there would be no cheese and the truth about the cow species would be out of the bag! So the reason that there will always be a moon is that without it, cows would have to admit to the human race that they are nothing more than scheming, moon-theiving scandals. 

If this scholarly article has not yet persuaded you into recognising the deceitful nature of the common field cow, consider for a moment the idea that a cow has four chambers in its one stomach ...